When I read this chapter, I was immediately convicted. Not because because I was giving up any parenting power, but because up until that fateful day, I was expecting that my husband should. After all, I am the one with the stronger parental instinct, years of experience with children, and he . . . well, he had never even held a newborn before our son was born.

 

We have a unique situation in our home in that my husband travels a lot. This means that many weeks, for five days a week, it’s mostly just Ben and me, which creates a “single parent”  kind of situation for me. All decisions about what is acceptable and what requires chastisement are mine much of the time.

 

Then my husband comes home, and for for two days a week, things are different. Much different.

 

Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Survey? In this tool, four areas of personality are determined — Extrovert (E) vs. Introvert (I), Sensing (S) vs. Intuitive (N), Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F), and Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P). At the end of the quiz, you are assigned some combination of these letters.

 

I am an ENFP (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiver).

 

My husband is an ISTJ (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judger).

 

Yes, that means we are complete opposites. This comes out in many areas of our marriage, but never more than in our parenting styles.

 

My husband is much more authoritarian that I am. He expects that when he speaks, people move, and things are done as he directed. If that doesn’t happen, fur flies. There is little room for pleas or discussion where Ben is concerned. I don’t always agree with this idea of first time obedience and immediate disciplinary action for every infraction. With his dad, Ben rarely gets away with anything. And almost all infractions are weighted the same.

 

I am much more likely to offer some coaching about what needs to be done, with plenty of reminders, mostly because I know how easily distracted Ben can be. I am the more nurturing parent. I am more likely to give Ben a second (or third) chance, show grace, let him get away with some things, more carefully choosing my battles or this child would be in trouble all the time. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it does sometimes create a situation where Ben is offered an automatic excuse not to do what he was told without my telling him several times. It also means he feels freer to do what he wants when I’m the only one he is answering to.

 

Ben struggles on the weekends when Dad comes home and things are suddenly very different. I have often wondered if one of us needs to change the way we parent. Of course, I would prefer not to be the one to change, and I’m guessing my husband feels the same.

 

It is very easy for my momma bear tendencies to take over if I feel my boy is being treated unfairly, no matter who is perpetrating the alleged mistreatment. I will admit that I have interfered in my husband’s parenting of Ben. A lot. And not always privately. I have stepped in to correct my husband’s decisions where Ben is concerned, even over-ruling at times. I have been angered to the point of treating my husband like he was my child instead of my parenting partner. I am not proud of this, and I will tell you right now . . . it is a huge mistake to do so.

 

Here’s the damage it has caused.

These are tough areas to fix. I am only beginning to figure out how to swim backwards and try to repair the damage I’ve inflicted on my family. Only with God’s grace. Truly.

 

 

Sometimes, I am right. I know it in my core. And I know that my husband is wrong. But, instead of pitching a fit and correcting him like he’s the child, I give it a few minutes, pull him aside and discuss it with him. Most of the time, when I explain my reasons for doing something the way I have or asking him to doing something differently, he agrees and we suddenly find ourselves on the same page. This happens in the opposite direction as well — where my husband is the one who is correct and I am the one who needs a moment to realize it. 

The other thing we have found works well is to just let the parent who determined a situation requires discipline go ahead and administer it. In the past, there have been times when I have been the one to discover an infraction, but my husband would want to be the one to step in and discipline for it, and vice versa. This often creates a scenario where I think he’s being too harsh or he believes I’m not being harsh enough. It works much better for us to each just carry through with the discipline ourselves.

What doesn’t work is for one parent to overemphasize his or her own value system to the detriment of the other parent. Instead, it is imperative for each parent to try to understand and appreciate the whys behind what the other is doing. If you don’t do this, you will soon find a giant chasm in your own relationship. The person who loses most in that scenario is the child.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith . . . (Hebrews 12:1-2)