The One Parenting Book Every Christian Parent Needs

 

I remember the first time I was introduced to The National Center for Biblical Parenting.

 

I was sitting in the chapel at a homeschool conference listening to one of their parenting workshop facilitators explain the difference between a time-out and a break. Ben was a challenging 7-year-old at the time.

 

We immediately began using this tool — giving breaks, instead of time-outs. The premise is that children need to take as much time as needed to have a heart change after disobedience. There’s no 3 minutes for a 3-year-old, 5 minutes for a 5-year-old, etc. The amount of a time for the break is as long as it takes for the child to be repentant — able to verbalize what they did, sincerely apologize and state what they will do differently next time. It may take 3 minutes. Or 3 hours.

 

This method has worked very well for Ben, who is often immediately repentant after his impulsive behavior has gotten him into trouble. Leaving him in “time-out” for 10 or 15 minutes and then sending him on his way did nothing to change his heart. To be quite honest, it didn’t do much to change his behavior either. Allowing him just enough time to come to us repentant . . . well, that is heart changing.

 

The co-founders of The National Center for Biblical Parenting — Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN —  have co-authored many parenting books. The latest, the flagship book in the Parenting Shifts series, is The Christian Parenting Handbook. I received a PDF copy of the book a few weeks ago as a member of their book launch team. I joined their book launch team because I already knew of the merits of what they teach to parents all over the country. I  begged wanted to be a part of this.

 

 

The subtitle of the book is 50 Heart-Based Strategies for All the Stages of Your Child’s Life. It’s the perfect descriptor as it is divided into 50 short, easy-to-read chapters, each covering a different strategy for raising godly kids. I want a godly child for sure, and because we believe the Bible is our primary guide, this book is just perfect to help us along. I think every Christian family will want it in their home library.

 

The common theme in every chapter is the need for heart change in our children. While we can likely force temporary changes in behavior, it is the heart work that brings about real, permanent change.

 

I knew I would love this book with the first chapter — Consistency Is Overrated. This chapter introduces the reader to this idea of focusing on the heart of children, rather than a conditioned response. I have made the mistake often of jumping quickly to either warning a consequence is coming or administering increasingly severe consequences in the hopes that remembering the harshness of the punishment will deter Ben from continuing in a particular behavior. For years, I’ve been doing this consistently. For years, it has not worked. Ben has continued to make the same poor choices time and again. It’s been very frustrating for us as parents. We have been at a loss for what to do next, feeling that we’ve tried everything! At some point, you run out of consequences. At least we have.

 

Now we know what to do differently.

 

Another chapter I found quite enlightening is titled, Transfer the Responsibility for Change to the Child.

 

This quote from that chapter hit me between the eyes:

 

 

This goes along with the point I just made about consequences. I’m pretty sure the authors were peering into my home and heart. Or maybe it’s not just me?

 

 

Here’s the thing. Ben is a very impulsive child. While I don’t believe it is in his heart to be disobedient or disrespectful of us, he sometimes is. He makes poor decisions because he simply does not take the time to think about it first. And then he exhibits a defensive response that worsens the situation. It is very frustrating (for us and for him) to continue dealing with the same poor behavior over and over again.

 

Using biblical principles — examples from the life and ministry of Jesus — the authors have helped me so that I now understand how to break this cycle of incredible frustration — by transferring responsibility to Ben.

 

In this chapter, the example is given of a “messy” child. Not that I can relate to that, mind you. Sigh. Anyway, a common way to discipline for a child who leaves messes everywhere he goes might be to take away his video gaming privileges. Again, no similarity to anything happening at my house. Ahem.

 

Instead, the better strategy is to transfer responsibility to the child by having him develop a plan for not making messes and then holding him accountable to his own plan. In this scenario, Mom and Dad become more like accountability partners than police officers, and the child exhibits growth and maturity as he learns strategic ways to improve his behavior. This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a place for discipline or consequences of not following his own prescribed plan. But it is more fruitful because the child begins to understand that the responsibility for his behavior lies with him. You’re giving him tools for successful heart changes.

 

Isn’t that brilliant? It’s really just about self-government — something we should all be striving for and that we discuss in our home frequently. Only now we understand better how to develop and encourage it. Personally, I’m looking forward to less exasperated responses on my part. Yes, that means yelling.

 

I could continue on sharing about other chapters that spoke to me — Envision a Positive Future, Look for Heart Moments, Bookmark Good Days, How to Pray for Your Kids, Children Need to Learn How to Work Hard, and Firmness Doesn’t Require Harshness, but I think I’ll let you discover those on your own. 

 

This book has the potential to change your family. We’re just scratching the surface here in our house, but I have hope for some long-term issues with which we have struggled, for the first time in a long time.

 

I believe The Christian Parenting Handbook belongs in every Christian home, church library, and Christian school. There are principles here that can also be used by teachers, coaches, pastors, mentors and anyone else influencing children. Life-changing principles. This is the ONE parenting book every Christian parent needs.

 

 

 

Scott Turansky, D.Min., and his wife, Carrie, have five children. Dr. Turansky directed a preschool for eight years and is presently a counselor and seminar speaker and lives in Lawrenceville, New Jersey. Scott is the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting and the pastor of Calvary Chapel Living Hope.

 

Scott is committed to helping parents understand a heart-based approach to parenting. Although many parents use behavior modification to try to change their kids, Scott believes that approach is incomplete because it doesn’t consider the fact that God created every person with a heart. That realization opens many new avenues to help parents work with their kids.

 

Joanne Miller is the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. She holds her Bachelor of Science Degree in Nursing from William Paterson College in New Jersey. She has served as a pediatric nurse for over 25 years. Joanne is married to Ed and they have two grown sons.

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 Edited to add: This book has inspired me to write a blog series based on 10 of the 50 heart-based strategies discussed in the book. If you’d like to read the series you can access it here: Heart Parenting.