ADHD: Angry, frustrated, and hurt! Oh my!

Welcome back to my series on ADHD Awareness — ADHD: Angry, Frustrated, and Hurt! Oh my!

Today, I’m going to touch on another topic that frequently causes pain for many families who have children with ADHD. It’s that of the hardship ADHD kids have with keeping powerful emotions (both good and bad) in check. ADHD kids are gifted with incredible passion. Helping them learn how to best control that passion is the challenge here.

ADHD kids are gifted with incredible passion that often comes with very strong emotions. Helping them learn how to best control their emotions can be very challenging. Here are some tips to add to your other ADHD strategies. #ADHD #ADHDstrategies #ADHDkids #ADHDawareness

I remember when my son was about 3 years old, a friend made a comment to me about how happy he was at the park. And it was true. His faced beamed as he came down the slide. His giggles could be heard all over the playground. He was a happy, happy boy. And then it happened. Another child (a little older, maybe 7) told him he could not play with her and her friends.

In an instant, my happy, giggly boy was furious. He stomped across the playground, hands on hips, fire in his eyes, to inform me that a little girl had been mean to him. When I asked what she had done, he reported: “She said I’m a TODDLER!! I am NOT a toddler. I am a PRESCHOOLER!” It took a good 30 minutes to calm him down and convince him to continue on having fun for the rest of our time there.

Thinking about this event still makes me laugh, when I picture his mad, pudgy face proclaiming he was not a toddler, but this funny little story illustrates perfectly the emotional swings my boy has dealt with his entire life. I have often said that when he is happy, he is the happiest child in the world. But when he is sad, mad, or frustrated, he is the saddest, maddest, or most frustrated child in the world.

Along with the emotional instability that often accompanies ADHD comes a heightened sense of justice. These kids are black and white. There is no gray, no middle ground, and very little compromise. They know when things are right and they know when things are wrong. And they are often bothered beyond what they can handle when things are wrong. The wrong doesn’t have to be perpetrated against them either. These kids can get as riled up over injustice played out on a friend as much as when it involves themselves.

Here’s a more recent example of how quickly things can go south for ADHD kids.

One evening as I was quietly reading, my son came storming through the door, in tears. I could tell from his face that they were angry tears, not those signifying any kind of physical hurt. He was practically hyperventilating. The anger had boiled up from his toes and was spilling out all over my wood floors. He was screaming insults about a neighborhood child, but he was so upset, I could hardly understand his words.

As is usual, I sent him to the shower to calm down. Generally speaking, 10 or 15 minutes in there gives him time to calm down, think about how he’s behaving, and he’s ready to come back and speak to me about what happened in a calmer voice.

In this particular incident, he was angry that one of the neighborhood kids was not following the rules of the playground game they were playing. Things had escalated to a point that he needed to walk away because he was so angry (a technique he has been taught to use in incidents such as these). When he did that, the child then called him a rage-quitter. In an effort to not be a known as such a thing, he stayed, the argument continued, and eventually this child raised a hand at him in a threatening way. Because the child was a girl, he did manage to leave at that moment, fearing things would really get out of hand and he would hit her.

Now, for most typical children, things would never have gotten this far out of hand. Most kids would have called out the other child for cheating or not following the rules, and either the child would have then complied with following the rules, or the kids would quit playing the game with her.

But children with this heightened since of justice have difficulty letting things like this go, and ultimately it will almost always lead to drama. And for most, remorse, as they realize, once again, they have over-reacted. Unfortunately, it also leads to difficulties with relationships.

While your child is at home, calming down and feeling remorseful, the other children are telling their parents and each other about the child down the street who gets angry for no good reason. And if one of the parents happens to see the anger exhibited, it’s likely that he may no longer be welcomed at their house. Or maybe a co-op, birthday party, or homeschool playgroup.

There are a few possible reasons that kids with ADHD experience such intense emotions:

Chronic lack of sleep is very common with ADHD kids
Low self-esteem
Medication side effects
Impulsivity
Extra energy

There are also a few things you can do to help these kids deal with their emotions:

Provide opportunity for much physical exercise
Limit television and video games, and closely supervise what they are exposed to (please don’t let your kids play violent games or watch violent television/movies)
Help your child understand what his triggers are
Intervene, if possible, before things get out of hand
Give them a break to calm down

Never argue with your child when he is angry, especially when his anger is directed toward you. For my son, it works well to send him to the shower to calm down. Do whatever works to give them time alone and then continue the conversation when he is calm. Be sure to give him the opportunity to share what upset him so much and discuss what he can do differently next time (because there will likely be a next time). Give your child ideas for what to do if needed — walk away, ask for help, talk about it, etc. It’s important that these kids know what to do, not just what not to do.

If an apology is in order, make sure he takes the responsibility to apologize and ask for forgiveness. We use the following verse as a biblical mandate in these situations:

Rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” (Colossians 3:8)

Although, I have written mostly about anger today, I have found that other emotions illicit a similar response. If an ADHD child’s feelings have been hurt or he is frustrated, he often responds similarly — with anger.

Also, many kids with ADHD, have a difficult time translating speech that is not meant to be literal — sarcasm, jesting, simple teasing not meant to be hurtful — and these situations are all often met with the same level of hurt as if you called him a rage-quitter.

While you cannot protect your child from every situation where he might be teased or spoken to sarcastically, it is vital that you do not do speak to him that way yourself or allow his siblings to. Instead, take opportunities that arise to discuss these nuances of speech and help him understand the difference between words that are meant to be hurtful and those which are not. This is another situation in which role-playing might be helpful to practice these social skills.

More than anything, know and understand that your child will require that extra measure of grace and understanding that he likely won’t receive outside the circle of folks who really know and love him. While it is easy to get angry and frustrated yourself, especially after the fifty-second time this kind of thing happens, it is imperative that you exhibit the kind of self-control you are attempting to teach to your ADHD child.

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If you have found this article article helpful, you might also enjoy reading ADHD, Lying, and Your Child’s Heart.

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There are a few possible reasons that kids with ADHD experience such intense emotions:

There are also a few things you can do to help these kids deal with their emotions: