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I wish to share some words of encouragement to the mom who is feeling discouraged, weary, and maybe even a little hopeless because of the day to day grind of raising a child or children who are just not easy.
You are the moms who have been entrusted with the responsibility of raising a difficult child. Yours is the one who is seemingly always trying your patience, pushing back, testing the boundaries, maybe even crossing the line. He is often uncooperative and disobedient. He may even be disrespectful, angry, and hostile. He is challenging. All day. Every day.
Heart Parenting Strategy: Envision a Positive Future
Here’s the thing — it is perfectly understandable to feel discouraged when your challenging child makes things hard every day. Boy, do I know how it feels. Maybe not every day. But many days, I look at Ben and wonder what is going to happen to this boy.
Will he outgrow it?
Will he ever gain some maturity?
Will he ever gain some self-control?
Will he allow Christ to work in him?
Will he ever be . . . dare I say it . . . normal?
It’s easy to lose hope that things will ever be different than they are right now . . . at this frustrating, exasperating, hair-pulling moment.
I am asked often what my goals are for Ben. Can I be honest here? There have been days (you know the ones) when I jokingly reply, “I just want to keep the boy out of jail.” Or maybe I wasn’t joking? I smile and chuckle a bit, but deep down inside . . . I wonder.
In my weariness with the day-to-day grind, I often focus so much on the hard parts, that I lose sight of the gift that is Ben.
And he is a gift. And so is your child. Don’t make the mistake of selling short his future. And don’t let him sell himself short either.
Because he can so easily.
When kids are constantly being reprimanded, chastised, disciplined — they get discouraged, too. And kids live for the moment. For today or maybe tomorrow. But, it’s nearly impossible for them to imagine their future success. So we must help them do it, especially during the toughest times, when they may be feeling guilt and shame for disappointing us yet again and wondering, also, if it will ever get better.
While I’ve never made that “keep the boy out of jail” comment within Ben’s earshot, it occurred to me one day that I wasn’t sure I was speaking life and truth into him as often as I should be either. The day that had me wondering was one I won’t soon forget.
Our week had been especially difficult managing Ben’s impulsive behavior. There had been lots of correction, and frankly, I was exasperated with him. My husband had been traveling nonstop and I was feeling overwhelmed as the “single” parent in our house. The tension was palpable between Ben and me. One afternoon, at the end of my rope, I told him that I needed a break and for him not to disturb me for one hour, while I spent some time alone in my room.
When I came out, the puffy red eyes made in painfully obvious Ben had been crying. He ran to me, flung himself onto my lap, and clung tightly as though his life depended on the strength of his grip. As I sat there comforting all 90 lbs. of this lanky 12-year-old boy, he looked directly into my eyes while these words came pouring out of his mouth:
“Momma, why did God make me like this? Why did he make me have ADHD? Why can’t I have a normal brain?
and . . .
Momma — do you always love me, even when I make you angry? Do you ever just not want me any more? I always mess up! Maybe I should go live in a foster home!”
Whoa. Talk about a reality check.
Moms — your kids maybe entertaining similar thoughts. They may even say them out loud to you. Or maybe they won’t. But they are thinking them, even if they don’t have the words to verbalize it.
I implore you. Make a list of all of the wonderful qualities your children possess. Write them down if you need to. and then imagine how those qualities today can translate into their future success. Then tell them. Fill their ears with kind words about who they really are.
My list looks something like this:
Ben is smart.
Ben loves little kids and he’s really good with them.
Ben is passionate about animals.
Ben is loving and affectionate.
Ben is compassionate and helpful.
Ben is funny.
Ben can hold a conversation with anyone of any age.
Ben is not afraid to be exactly who God created him to be.
Ben is a loyal friend.
Ben has boundless energy.
Ben loves to makes music.
Ben loves Jesus.
This is not about building a false sense of self or puffing up their egos. It is about speaking truth.
“Ben, I love how well you play with little children. You are going to be such a good daddy some day.”
“Ben, I appreciate how you held door open for me. Your future wife will love having such a thoughtful husband.”
“Ben, do you have any jokes for me. You’re so funny, I love hearing your jokes! Maybe you’ll be the next Tim Hawkins!”
“Ben, I am so proud of the way you can teach yourself to play songs on your keyboard! Not everyone can do that!”
Remind your child that he is:
- fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
- created in the image of God himself (Genesis 1:27)
- chosen and treasured (Deuteronomy 14:2)
- rejoiced over (Zephaniah 3:17)
- loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3)
- worth dying for (Romans 5:8)
- a part of God’s plan (Jeremiah 29:11)
Read these verses together. Print them out and tape them up where your child can read them every day if he needs to (or you can read them, if you need to). Remind your child that we are all sinners in need of God’s grace. Point him back to Jesus and his work on the cross at every opportunity.
The next time your child exhibits negative behavior, rather than focusing on that, focus on the positive change you’d like to see instead. Remember that he not only has strengths, he has potential strengths. He will believe what you tell him to be true. So be sure you are telling him the truth.
There but by the grace of God go all of us. Your precious child is no different.
***
10 Days of Heart Parenting is a series God laid on my heart after I read the book, The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, R.N. Be sure to click over to read the other installments of this biblical parenting series.
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