Emotions.
They run high in my house. I have shared before that Ben is one of those kids for whom emotions swing wildly.
When he’s happy, he’s the happiest kids on the planet —
“This was the best day EVER!”
“You are THE BEST mom in the whole world!”
“I LOVE this present. It’s my favorite of anything you’ve ever given me!”
When he’s angry, sad, or frustrated, he’s equally as passionate —
“I hate math. I am so stupid!”
“I’m so mad at Susie. I’m never playing with her again!”
“Why did God give me this ADHD brain!”
“You NEVER let me have any fun!”
Unfortunately, the unhappy words are often accompanied by not so appropriate actions and some unkind verbosity. I mean this kid can rant. Sometimes he only rants to me, but generally speaking, whoever incited the negative emotion will be the target.
Heart Parenting Strategy: Teach Kids to Communicate Emotions Wisely
Helping Ben understand that his emotions are perfectly normal, healthy, even, while training him in how to handle them, has been one of our most challenging parenting tasks. Again, the ADHD plays a part in that — these kids just have such a heightened sense of justice — everything is black or white, right or wrong — there is no gray, no middle ground. With the addition of impulsivity, difficulting with sleep, extra energy, and some side effects from medication, this is just really something that has caused him a lot of grief and pain. It has affected many relationships (both peer and family), and caused him a great deal of personal suffering because he ALWAYS regrets his poor behavior later and is remorseful. Now, we get to add puberty to the list of precursors. Oh joy!
One thing I loved about this chapter of The Christian Parenting Handbook is the positive spin it puts on heightened emotions, pointing out that while it is necessary to practice self-control in this area, it is also a gift to have strong emotions.
I feel certain that God has designed this child exactly the way he needs to be for His purpose — and that his emotional self is a huge part of that. He is a people-person, animal-lover, compassionte and passionate. This will serve the Kingdom well. We just have to help him get a handle on the self-control aspect. I know that impending maturity will help, but there are also some tangible things we can do now to move him along toward that.
Here are few of the strategies we are using with Ben, with some success. He still has a way to go — but then again, so do his fully grown (and hopefully mature) parents. Hopefully, you can find something useful here for your own child:
- Provide the opportunity for much physical exercise. I have noticed that if Ben doesn’t have a good release of physical energy, he struggles more with emotional energy. All of that crazy energy he has needs to be released, and physical exercise is a great way to do just that.
- Limit television and video games, and closely supervise what they are exposed to (please don’t let your kids play violent games or watch violent television/movies). This is especially true of ADHD kids. It is so easy for them to become over-stimulated by TV and gaming. That stimulation will come out in emotional outbursts, trust me. I know.
- Help your child understand what his triggers are. Ben is easily triggered by situations where rules are not followed precisely. Helping him see that and also to understand that sometimes it’s ok to tweak the rules in a game has helped. I’ve also talked to him about just walking away when he is feeling his emotions rise. Generally, if he will just come to me to discuss whatever is bothering him, he can get through it with erupting like Mt. Vesuvius.
- Intervene, if possible, before things get out of hand. Ben and I have a physical cue that we use if I am present and can see that things are about to get out of hand. I simply gently shake my head no. No one else would even notice it, but he understands that if I do that, he needs to walk over to me right away for a whisper conference. I can then point out to him that I see his emotions are getting the best of him, identify what emotion I see, and help him understand what is happening at that very moment. Kids don’t always recognize they are getting angry until they’re already in the midst of a verbal attack or physical response.
- Give them a break to calm down. I’m going to be talking more about this strategy on Friday. Be sure to come back and find out the difference between a break and a time-out.
Always be sure to give your child the opportunity to share what upset him so much and discuss what he can do differently next time. Help him identify the emotion he was feeling. Many times everything comes out as anger, even if the true emotion was hurt, disappointment or embarrassment. Role play alternatives. Identify emotions in other people. Give your child ideas for what to do if needed — walk away, ask for help, talk about it, etc. It’s important for kids to know what to do, not just what not to do.
Never argue with your child when he is angry, or show anger yourself. This can be difficult if the anger is directed at you. For Ben, it works well to send him to the shower to calm down. You might even be the one who needs the shower. Do whatever works to give you both the time to calm down so you may continue the conversation respectfully. The best way to teach your child how to manage his emotions is to model that behavior yourself. This gets harder as our kids get older.
Rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” (Colossians 3:8)
Settling the emotion first can set the stage for communication later. Don’t miss out on the opportunity for deep, meaningful discussion with your child by thwarting it with your own emotional outbursts.
A gentle answer turns away wrath. (Proverbs 15:1)
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10 Days of Heart Parenting is a series God laid on my heart after I read the book, The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, R.N. Be sure to click over to read the other installments of this biblical parenting series.