Providence: Not just the capital of Rhode Island

Four years ago, the word” Providence”, for me, meant the name of the capital city of Rhode Island. At the time, living only 15 minutes from Providence, Rhode Island, it was where I ventured for a more cultured exposure than my little city could provide.  Four years ago, even though I believed in Jesus, I was what I now consider a cultural Christian. Jesus was just someone I visited on Sundays, and most weeks, not even. All the “thou” and “ye” in the Bible, made Him seem even more foreign to me. Looking back, I can see that I had this sense of entitlement that my life was supposed to be wonderful all the time ( i.e. wonderful marriage, wonderful  kids, wonderful extended family)  and when it wasn’t, something must be wrong and I asked  Jesus to fill in the gaps.  As you can guess, I called on Him many times. Truth is, He was providing but not in the way I wanted or expected. What He was providing was so much better than I could have ever asked or even have known to ask.  I was asking Him to provide stopgaps (i.e. more money, happier marriage…) and He took the next two years to prepare me to find perpetual peace through Him.  For those who only know Providence as a capital city, here is the true definition from Noah Webster’s 1828 dictionary.

This is how God redeemed the word “Providence” for me. 

My husband was out of work for almost two years. Unable to provide for his family, he felt his identity was lost and he was miserable. He felt like a complete failure and was sinking into a deep depression. I re-assured him as best I could. While hiding my own struggle from him, I assumed a role that I was ill-equipped and ill-qualified to perform, that position was to be filled by the only Provider of Peace, certainly not I. But again, “Providence” was just a city in Rhode Island to me, so I took no solace in knowing that this was His provision for my family. As a result, while I tried to carry the burden of uplifting my husband and putting on a smile for my two little girls, I was having panic attacks, crying hysterically behind closed doors, sinking into my own depression and thinking to myself “Why is this happening”.  Truth was, I needed my own rock to lean upon.  I was in deep despair;  I had no anchor and was sinking fast. That is when our Sweet Savior, the One I had neglected all these years, the One I tried to be for my husband, brought me to my knees, literally, I fell to my knees and cried out to him, hysterically. And now, 2 years later, I see it all so clearly; it was providential.

Shortly after that moment, I found a peace I cannot explain; I felt him preparing and providing for me. He was in control and it really would be all okay, I didn’t know how but I knew it would.  I wanted to know more about this Provider of Peace so I sought Him out and began reading His story. My personal Savior proceeded to shower me and my family with blessings. The first blessing was this peace in my heart, even though none of our circumstances had changed. I didn’t want it to leave me, so I continually sought it out through him. Secondly, in my husband’s dream job opened up in Kentucky. So there we were in our hallway, each of us grasping the resume, ready to mail out to KY. We prayed and prayed that if it were His will, that He please make it happen. Even to this day my husband, who is a skeptic by nature, cannot explain how the first and only resume we prayed over, out of the many that were sent out within that 1.5 year span, was fruitful. After almost two years, my husband found not just a job, but the job he had dreamed of his entire career. It was His will after all and He answered our prayer in spades. He blessed us because we acknowledge Him as our provider, no one and nothing else.  Ah, it was His Providence. But he wasn’t done with us yet. Having given away our furniture, except for our beds, we left for Kentucky with very little money and much less of anything else, trusting that God would provide. One year later, we bought a wonderful home fully furnished!! (And I don’t mind saying, they had better taste than either of us) Oh yes, He is providential! He has blessed us and continues to bless us. The list is too long to include.  Yes, my God thinks BIG.

My God is Providential.  He has and will continue to prepare me and provide for me all along the way. He provided a struggle for me and prepared me to live for Him. I will never look at hardships the same, ever again and that, I say, is the biggest and best blessing of all. My sense of entitlement is gone.  I don’t need a wonderful marriage, kids, extended family; I need Him, first and foremost. And because I chose Him over all else, His will is to provide for me. It’s hard to believe that anyone could love me that much! All those years of worshipping other idols, like my own selfish desires, money, people’s acceptance and respect; all the while forsaking Him. He never gave up on me, not only that; He actively sought me out; He wanted me. He loves me that much!!  Wow!!  

In contrast to the person I was four years ago; it is evident to me, I’ve been born again. My moral compass has shifted, what was once so important to me a few years ago seems secondary to me now.  I know I’ll have more difficult times ahead, but I’ve found my Provider of Peace. He’s not done with me, I’m very much a work in progress, but I am enjoying the journey now, because I have peace in knowing about His Providence. So that is how the word “Providence” was redeemed for me. Thank you Lord for loving me that much! It’s funny, I lived 15 minutes away from Providence, and it took me moving to the Bluegrass State to really find Providence. My God also has a sense of humor.  : )

~Jennifer Zanelli

It is my daily intent to be a humble and grateful daughter to the Most High, a helpmeet to my husband of 9 years and a loving mother to my two little blessings. Though most days I fail miserably, I am thankful to draw upon His grace all along the way.

Thank you for joining us in today’s Blogging in the Bluegrass series. For the month of September, Ben and Me is highlighting homeschool moms from around the state of Kentucky. Watch the blog every Wednesday and Friday all month long for these inspirational and informative guest articles!

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